Your brother is feeling lost and lonely since his wife developed Alzheimer’s. Your mom worries about your stepdad, who has moderate dementia after a series of strokes. Your friend who lives far away just told you that his husband is going into an assisted living facility because he can’t manage the physical care that the husband needs, and there is no family nearby to help. You want to support these care partners, but you aren’t sure what to do. Some of these ideas will have to be modified to account for social distancing and pandemic safety, but many will work even under current conditions. Here are some suggestions.

1. Stay connected. Depending on your relationship, this might mean a weekly phone call, a daily check-in, an occasional card or email, or a monthly in-person visit. Don’t be offended if your friend or family member doesn’t reciprocate as usual. You may have to do the heavy lifting in this relationship for a while.
2. Ask what form of communication works best. Your brother might prefer to email so he can describe what’s going on with his wife frankly without her overhearing. Your mom might like a call in the evening after your stepdad has gone to bed, but might find a daytime call too disruptive. Your friend might appreciate frequent brief texts just to know someone is thinking about him.
3. Listen, listen, listen. People whose hearts are hurting sometimes just need to talk things out. Be an active listener by being fully present and responding actively, but let the person talk freely without interruption.
4. Think hard before making suggestions. When my husband developed Alzheimer’s, many people (especially those I barely knew!) felt free to go off on long monologues detailing what they thought we ought to be doing: “My uncle had memory problems, and he took this supplement, and it really cured him!” I tried to keep in mind that their intentions were good and they were trying to help, but often I felt either overwhelmed or insulted by their suggestions. They usually didn’t know enough about the situation to be helpful, or they suggested things so obvious (“Have you talked to his doctor?”) that I felt irritated. If you truly have something you’d like to share, offer a bit of information and be sensitive to how it is received. Or simply ask if you might share a suggestion, and keep it brief unless the person clearly demonstrates interest in what you are saying.
5. Ask for specific ways you can help, and suggest things you are willing to do. For example, if you are local, you could offer to bring over a meal once in a while or take over a chore such as mowing the lawn. If you live far away, you could offer to help research whatever resources the partner is looking for in their local area (the phone and internet will make it possible). If it is safe to do so and you feel comfortable, keeping the person with dementia company for a while so the care partner can have some time to themself is a great gift. Even keeping the person happily occupied for an hour while the partner takes a nap or does some gardening can make a big difference.
6. Include the person with dementia. My cousin and my brother used to call and very patiently speak to my husband, who was beaming while they spoke. I’d keep the phone on speaker and help him navigate the conversation while he felt listened to and cared for (even when he got to the point where he couldn’t remember who was on the other end of the line). I loved it when neighbors would invite us over for an evening or a friend asked us to join in some board games even when my husband couldn’t participate actively – he enjoyed being around them and I was craving a two-way conversation. If you feel awkward because you don’t know how to interact with a person with dementia, have a private conversation with the care partner to get some tips.
7. Don’t try to fix feelings. Your friend or family member is losing their partner to a progressive, terminal disease. They are grieving the loss of their relationship as they knew it. Don’t try to “cheer them up” by being relentlessly positive. If someone says, “I don’t know how I’m going to cope. He is getting worse every day,” don’t launch into a motivational speech about how strong they are. Just say, “That’s got to be so sad and a bit frightening. I know how much you love and care for him.”
8. Accept anger. It is normal for people to get angry at their partners even when, deep down, they know that it is the dementia that is causing the conflict. If your dad begins an angry diatribe about how irrational your mother is being, hear him out rather than immediately trying to defend her or telling him she can’t help it. Ask him about his own reactions: “What is bothering you the most?” You can gradually bring the conversation around to something like, “I’m sure it must be so hard for you when Mom just can’t understand things like she used to or when she repeats the same question a million times. If you’d like, maybe we can figure out some ways to make this less aggravating. I know you realize she can’t change this.”
9. Sweet gestures make a difference. A family member sent my husband a fidget pillow made specifically for people with dementia. It gave him a great deal of comfort and helped him stop picking at my clothing, which was driving me a bit nuts. Sending a favorite treat to the couple or flowers to the care partner can help fill in the void left when a loving partner can no longer show much appreciation. Don’t forget that birthdays and holidays can be very lonely when your partner has no idea what the occasion is or how to celebrate it, or when they are being cared for outside of the home.
10. Educate yourself so you can have a better understanding of what the care partner is experiencing. I think of people I knew in the past who were coping with a partner’s dementia, and I realize I had very little idea of what their life was like or how dementia plays out. It meant the world to me when both of my daughters invested in learning about Alzheimer’s as I cared for their stepfather. When I wanted to brainstorm a problem with them, they had a foundation of understanding.

The basics are: stay in touch, listen without judgment, offer specific forms of help that you can comfortably provide, educate yourself, and realize that the better supported a person is, the better they can meet the challenges of caring for their spouse or partner.